Epic Movie DVD: Review By Brian Gallagher

Some barely decent performances from Kal Penn and Jennifer Coolidge.
  • OVERALL
    0.5
    HORRIBLE
  • Feature
  • Extras
  • Replay Value
THE GOOD
Some barely decent performances from Kal Penn and Jennifer Coolidge.
THE BAD
Absolutely NOTHING else.
THE FEATURE
Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg apparently have no qualms with beating the proverbial dead horse. There is absolutely nothing in their filmographies BESIDES spoof movies. They are practically to blame for the whole genre, actually, starting with Spy Hard and then to Scary Movie and those sequels and then to Date Movie and then to this display of bufoonery. If there is one good thing about this movie at all, is that its failure just might mark the death of spoofs for good.

I'm surprised that they actually have a decent amount of noticeable names in this wretched excuse for a movie. Kal Penn is the only "big" name out of the main four orphans, with Jayma Mills, Faune A Chambers and Adam Campbell rounding out the rest of the orphans who are selected for an "epic adventure" that riffs off of many of the successful (and unsuccessful) flicks of the past few years and even takes shots at Mel Gibson and Andy Samberg's Lazy Sunday video. The rest of the movie is filled with actors like Fred Willard playing half-man/half-lion Aslo, Jennifer Coolidge as the White Bitch, Darrell Hammond as Captain Jack Swallows, David Carradine as the Museum Curator, and Crispin Glover as Willy. What all these people are doing here, I have not a clue. It wasn't money, since in one of the special features it's mentioned that they received "scale" pay, so who knows. Bribery. Sorcery. Hypnosis. Who knows.

Seltzer and Friedberg's script can be described as a ransom note. They barely created any of the material here, just the songs and a few little quips and lines here and there, but most of the script is just stuff stolen that we'd already seen in some other movie. They arranged their movie by taking fragments of other movies and mixing them around, adding their own little "funny" lines here and there, going over the top with all of it and slapping it all together. This might have to be the lowest form of filmmaking, folks.

The half star goes for the slightly-decent performances from Jennifer Coolidge as the White Bitch and Kal Penn one of the orphans. Oh, and whenever Silas speaks, rare as it is, the "foreign language" stuff is famous quotes from many other sources. That was kind of cool. That's all, folks.
THE EXTRAS
Everyone Loves Beaver: Epic Hook-Ups is first and it's a waste of four minutes. Everyone is kind-of in character, talking about their fictional hook-ups on the set, with the puppet Harry Beaver apparently getting all of the play. It's just really stupid.

Making the Video: Lazy Pirate Day is equally retarded. One thing sticks out here and that's co-writer/co-director Jason Friedberg talking about a "hole in the market" because we haven't seen Weird Al Yankovic in awhile and they "want to fill that void." Wow. There's a reason that we haven't seen him in awhile, and that is because no one WANTS him around. It isn't 1987 anymore, Jason and Aaron. Anyway, the whole deal is the producers and choreographer talking about making this pirate ship/Lazy Sunday spoof video and it's boring. Friedberg also manages to take some pot shots at Johnny Depp in the process. Unreal. The whole thing is nine minutes and you'll never get those nine minutes back if you watch this stupid feature.

Outtakes are up next and most are the ones they showed during the end credit sequence. Some are fairly humorous. Some aren't. It's only three and a half minutes, so check it out. It won't be a total waste of time.

The Alternate Ending is next and it's not terrible. It might have worked, but it would've been too little, too late. Oh well.

Epic Porn - What Would Your Porno Movie Be Called is another retarded feature that starts off with a fake ad for a Mr. Tumnus phonesex line. Then they ask some cast members what they're character's porno movie would be called. Then it goes on to Carmen Electra, who plays Mystique's spoof character, talking about what she went through to be her character. Just... so... lame. They can't even cut together their features properly! Idiots!

What Makes Aslo So Irresistable? is next and I'm getting a big headache. It's two minutes of cast members talking about Aslo. It's only two minutes, but it's not worth it.

Hot or Not: Character Turn-On's and Turn-Off's is next and I'm getting the impression that these features are just something that they'd spring on cast members in some downtime, just to keep them on their toes. This isn't even two minutes long, about a minute and a half. Lame lame lame.

Fox Movie Channel Presents Making a Spoof is next some little segment with Fred Willard talking... and talking... and talking and not really saying much. It's only seven minutes long and only funny in certain spots.
THE VIDEO
The disc is presented in the widescreen format, enhanced for 16x9 televisions.
THE AUDIO
The sound is handled through the Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound format.
THE PACKAGE
I just received the screener copy of just the disc, so I don't know what the packaging looks like. Probably lame, like everything else...
THE FINAL WORD
Boring. Idiotic. Unamusing. Snorefest. I could go on for days, but pick any of those words for my final word. You get the point...

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